A new year has come again. Deuteronomy 2:3 says You have went around this mountain long enough.Turn ye Northward. As that scripture laid heavy on my heart I made my way down to the basement. As my eyes wandered around the room I saw many boxes. I found curtains, dishes, clothes, and many other things that I have had boxed up for the past few years. Then, over in the corner, there it was.....the dreaded box! I wasn't sure what all was in that box, but I knew it was a box that I had dreaded to even open. I had hid it down there away from everything else to keep myself from having to ever look at it. After my husband left, I went through a terrible depression. I locked myself up away from the world. I couldnt face any of my emotions. Divorce to me was worse than death...actually in a way it is a form of death. A death of a marriage, a death of a dream, a death of the person you used to be. By keeping the lid tight on this box I didnt have to reopen any negative emotions, pain, or heartache! Usually every time I am in the basement I just avoid looking over in the corner where that box is hiding. But this day was different...I felt an urge to walk that direction. I know it was the Lords loving spirit that was nudging me to go to the box. The Lord was telling me it is time! I had went around this mountain long enough and now it was time to climb it! The Lord said to me in Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of good courage, fear not nor be afraid of them, for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with you, he will not fail you nor forsake you. As I walked towards the box, the dread that usually overwhelms me was not there this time. Actually there was a sense of peace. I carried the box upstairs and decided this was gonna be the moment I open the lid and find out what Ive been running from! As I opened the lid, memories started flooding my mind. I saw some things the boys had when they were just little boys: Crayons their little hands had colored with, little blocks they used to build with, and pictures of 3 happy little boys with smiling faces. Also in the box was a dinnerbell, a breathing machine, and a handwritten letter :These were a few things my grandma left behind when she passed away. In the very bottom hiding way down inside the box were the things I dreaded to see the most. As i pulled out a wedding invitation, a heart necklace, and a picture of a husband and wife....i noticed a strength that wasnt there before. I remember a time when I wouldnt even look towards the corner where this box was. I always tried to pretend like the box was never there even though I knew in the back of my mind it was! I'm not sure what I was afraid of. Fear was definately there, but fear of what? I think the fear of feeling pain all over again was what kept me from opening this box. I remember the day I put all these things in the box in the first place. I sat in the floor with all these things scattered around me, crying my eyes out , and feeling as if there was no hope! The crayons reminded me of a time when 3 little boys ran around the house. What a precious time that was. Looking at their little smiles in the picture I felt such pain as I felt the pain of their family being broken. As I put away the letter that was handwritten by my grandma , tears of grief fell to the floor. She was my best friend! I missed her so much! My heart had been so wounded, but the biggest wound of all was the divorce. I hid my wedding invitation and the things that reminded me of my marriage way down in the box. I couldnt look at these things without feeling like my heart was being ripped out! It felt as though I wasnt even alive. I was present in body only but my mind was way off somewhere kind of like I was in a hypnotized state. I tortured myself every day by replaying these incidents over and over in my mind and feeling sorry for myself. Like I said before,"like there was no hope"! But...there was hope! Jesus Christ is my hope!I hadn't tried to look in the box since I had been renewing my mind with scripture that had the power to heal! During the past few years I have been on a journey of healing. The lord has taken me on a trip through his word and has shown me the scriptures I needed to heal my mind from the pit of depression that held me captive. In Isaiah 54:5 it says Thy maker is thine husband. What a comfort this verse is when loneliness starts flooding my mind. After many months of meditating and thinking about this verse, I finally realized that I didn't have to live in the darkness of loneliness! The Lord is all I need! He is my provider, my comforter, and my best friend! What sweet time we have spent together every day as he proved to me his faithfulness...a faithfulness I was starting to feel never existed. He carried me in my hopeless, empty, and hurting condition to Psalm 96:1 where he told me to sing unto the Lord a NEW song. It was time for me to stop singing the blues and crying teardrops into the crayon basket! Yes it was a precious time when 3 little boys colored pictures for mommy, but it was time to stop living off of yesterdays memories! They are precious memories and its a good thing to look back and remember them, but it is now time to sing a new song. Yes life seems empty without my children at home, but there are many more memories to be made with these 3 young men! I couldnt enjoy the blessings that were right in front of my face until I stopped looking at life through tear stained glasses and start looking at it through Gods word. As I carried grief and sadness around with me every day I was softly led to the book of John where the Lord Jesus him self said to me,"Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there you may be also" What encouragement floods my soul when I let this verse sink deep into my heart! To think about my grandma being out of her suffering and being right there with Jesus in person...thats enough to make me shout for joy! Previously I had let gloom and doom fill my mind every time I looked at that old breathing mask she used to have to wear...but praise the Lord now she will never have to wear that oxygen mask again! No more struggling for breath..now she is full of life and sharing sweet time with her saviour! What a comfort that causes me to praise the Lord! I finally, with the Lords help could sort through that old box with a sense of peace. A heart necklace, building blocks, and handwritten letters inside this box weren't really the problem. What was really hiding down in this box was doubt, anger, sadness, resentment, fear, and guilt! These were what was keeping me from having peace and joy! I finally climbed to the other side of my mountain! What a relief to not be going round and round the mountain dragging bags of brokeness with me! Maybe there is a box in your basement that you are afraid to open. Maybe you have been going around your mountain long enough! Why not let this be the year for your victory? Whats down in the box that you have been refusing to face? maybe youve done something you dont want anyone to know about? or maybe someone does know and you feel guilty or ashamed. Could it be that someone hurt you so bad that you dont think you can forgive them? Did someone abandon you, leaving you feeling worthless? Has life left you crying into a basket of crayons? Open Gods word and let him take you on a healing journey! You will be renewed and refreshed as he walks you through the garden of his word. As you meditate on his sweet scripture, let him turn your pain into peace! Happy New Year!
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
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